20 Years Later…….
It doesn’t seem possible that it has been 20 years already since Dan left our side. He is in such a better place and I know that. However, reflecting back it doesn’t seem possible and for some reason at this 20 year mark. I am questioning why did this happen – what is the purpose and perhaps even why me? Perhaps I’m feeling this way especially this year as it is a milestone in my life.
I have always believe that God has a plan for my life and He knows what is best for me. However, being human and living on this earth, my thoughts go towards wondering if there could just have been a better plan. As I search through scriptures there are so many that come to mind but the one I love is knowing the peace God gives us in the end – Revelations 21:4 which reads: He will wipe away every tear from their (my) eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
However, knowing and believing this, my mind wonders on the what if’s. What would my world be like today at retirement if Dan was still here? Would we be perusing our dreams of traveling, spending time with our kids and grandkids? Why did Dan have to die so young (he was 47)? After all, he wasn’t able to be at the weddings of our children or the births of our grandchildren. Why was he robbed of that? What is God’s plan in this? What direction is God taking our family? What is the purpose?
As I watch our children grow to become amazing adults and parents, I can see things in their lives that Dan lives on. They have become secure in who they are as adults and parents. I see the soft spirit they have that is so much like their dad. I have watched them console their friends who have lost someone dear to them that only comes from going through that journey.
As I have allowed God to direct my path, I find myself no longer wondering why me, but coming to terms with who I am and what God has for me. As I moved from a grieving wife to a woman who began to trust God with the rest of my life, I began to let God take over and use my pain for something God could use for the better of others.
Little did I know or ever thought I would know the journey God had/has directed me to go down. However as I relied on God, the doors began to open. While standing side by side as another woman cries as she says goodbye here on earth to her husband, we are able to walk that journey to go from grief, heal and in time thrive.
Does this mean we ever forget? Absolutely not! For those widows who have children, we see our husband in our children all the time – mannerisms, the way they walk, the way they talk and the way they look. With time, what time does is heal our sad hearts and we are able to move forward. God has His timing and for each of us it is on our own time frame.
Each time I meet a new widow, memories do come back reminding me of the day Dan move up to heaven. But I find it isn’t as sad as watching this sweet lady move from morning to thriving, I see God is still in control. He is there to help us each step of the way. There are days we cannot walk bur God carries us through those days.
The verse I referred to earlier has become a source of comfort. Some day we will see these special men in our lives.
Blessings to each of you going down this journey. May you feel God’s arms wrapped around you.